baby talk

We decided to call "hey" as Julius' first word. He says it often enough, in the right context, and with consistent inflection.
However, I'm pretty sure he also said something like, "heeey, daa, ah wuuh uu."

domo arigato mr roboto

lately julius' movements have become more tight and fast. he's in an amazing stage where each move is so carefull constructed that you can almost predict what he'll do next.
he notices the phone in your hand and then you see his eyes widen as his arm pulls backwards. fast and quite robotic, his arm propels his hand forward and *smack* contact with the phone(or whatever object is in question.)

i just love to watch him go.

colds

julius has been super congested lately so i've been taking him in a steam shower with me to try and break up the congestion a bit, it's been working.
tonight i sang to him and held wore him in my solarveil sling and he started to nod off, it was incredibly sweet.
just holding him in the warmth of the shower while he slept.

little man's first cold

julius has been congested for a few weeks now but just recently he's developed a cough as well. today he had a visit with the doctor where we learned that he has an ear infection, too. it's a little crazy to think of him as being sick because other than the obvious cold symptoms he seems to be his happy, normal self.

i feel as though i can learn a lot from julius. he's encoutered a lot of trouble in his short time here on earth but he just dusts himself off and gets back up again. or, better yet, he doesn't let anything get to him all that much. it's quite remarkable.

on a side note, i cannot believe my baby is almost 6 months old! it's crazy!

picture post

studio portraits for christmas:




showing off his smile over thanksgiving weekend:

...had a great fall

well yesterday was eventful to say the least!
i took julius for a routine doctor's visit and i was pleased to learn that he had grown 3 inches in the last couple of months and that he was weighing in at just over 17 pounds. i always feel a small amount of accomplishment knowing that i'm, well, i'm his source of nutrition.

the nurse ushered us into the exam room. i removed julius' clothes so that the doctor could examine him and while doing so i checked his diaper. it was wet so i reached for the bag to give him a change. the diaper bag was overpacked, as usual. i tried rooting around with my hands but that was not doing the trick. i took my hands off julius and turned my head to use both hands and then.. SPLAT!

it was a godawful sound. very, very scary and shocking to say the least.
of course he's fine but ever since his birth i've been haunted by thoughts of him leaving us again. like at any moment god will decide that he, in fact, wants julius back and then that will be that.
i immediately picked him up and took him out to the nurses station where one nurse held him and started checking his vitals. another tried to calm me down.
another went into the exam room and pulled out dr. sangtian so he could check out julius. i was afraid because he kept trying to fall asleep and that's completely unlike him--i have to work to get my boy to sleep and i told the dr sangtian that.
he kept us there for observation and i called home to see if alan could meet me there, not knowing what would happen.
that was the longest wait, ever.
i sat there, rather morbidly, playing with my injured baby to keep him awake. i rubbed him down with a wet cloth, i sang to him and tickled him and still he kept nodding off.
wouldn't you know that the minute daddy arrived he was a smiling, laughing boy? on the way out of the office he was gurgling and laughing at the nurses, too. it was amazing.

it should be noted that the fall he took was around 3 ft. and that he landed on a concrete floor.

baby laughs

I am so, so glad that we can get Julius to baby laugh on demand now. Usually a little face-to-armpit action (my mouth, his armpit) is enough to get him going. Where Sylvia has a kind of maniacal cackle, Julius has a more gurgly, bubbling-over laugh. I suppose it goes with his general air of contentment. What a "good baby"!

hungry man xxl

i haven't met every baby but i can say with a great deal of certainty that julius is the hungriest baby ever!
i'm also fairly positive that he weighs about 20lbs.

the happiest baby on the block

it takes a lot to get julius really worked up. even when he's hungry he can still crack a smile or offer a 'coo.' he sleeps through the night so by popular standards he's a "good" baby.
i'm of the opinion that all babies are good and i also believe that all babies are different, unique. what works for one might not work for the other.
having said that, i have to confess that julius is vastly different then any other baby i've had(i.e. his big sister.) he is just so easy going and, well, happy! that's not to say that sylvia was unhappy but she was and is a very serious character.

i'm having a good time exploring their differences and of course their similarities. he's growing so very fast! like alan mentioned, he's not only becoming more and more aware of his surroundings but he's also learning his role in the world. it's amazing to watch him grab ahold of something and realize that he can hold it and then watch as his eyes light up when he finds that he can move it, too.

his current favorite objects include:
-daddy's face
-sister's hair
-mommy's hair
-glasses
-ribbon

alien

Julius is like a little alien now! When I hold him in front of my face, his eyes get huge, he starts drooling uncontrollably, and making these strange groaning/squealing noises. "Ooooo-AAWEE!" Best of all, he rubs his hands all over my face like he's never seen a face before, and wants to find out how it feels and what it's made of. It's very sweet, and he is indeed very "talky" and "droolsy," as Sylvia says!

talk, talk, talk!

our little man is growing more and more each day and lately he's become quite the conversationalist. he loves to sit up or lay next to me and talk--he has so much to say! cooing, gooing and squawking our days away.

baby laughs

Julius is baby laughing!!! This makes us indescribably happy. When Sylvia first started laughing, doing that bubbly baby chuckle, we would spend hours trying to get her to laugh again. "Grubbing for baby laughs," we'd call it.
Now we spend quite a bit of time laugh-grubbing with Julius, too. He likes to feel hair shaking in his face, and he likes to be tickled in his belly and ribs.
He's also been very "talky," as Sylvia says. He'll talk to the fan, to his mobile, and most of all, to us. He's very expressive. I wonder if he'll be as verbal as Sylvia?

home photo shoot

i took these photos of our little man over labor day weekend.
at some point we need to have a proper portrait of him made but i thought these would do until then. i did use photo imaging software to soften up the images and unfortunately in playing with the lighting you're unable to see how blue his eyes are. otherwise, they turned out quite well.




this past tuesday(september 2,) julius had his 2 month check up. he weighed in at 14.5 lbs with a length of 23 inches. he's healthy as can be and such a doll.

time flies

i honestly don't know where the last 10 1/2 weeks have gone. time is just flying by and i know that any moment now i'll blink and julius will be as old as his big sister.
for now, i'm enjoying all of his coos and squeaks. this week has been talking more than ever. he's even started trying to pull into a sitting up position. whenever i cradle him in my arms i can feel his tummy muscles tighten and i watch as his upper body clumsily cimbs forward. he's had amazing head control since birth, holding his head up from the moment i first held him.
he's gained more control and is less wobbly and i can carry him in a wide array of different positions in the sling.
today i wore him in kangaroo style with him looking out, while i swept the kitchen floor and he just loved it.

coming home

My favorite part of the day is when I come home from work and everyone is happy to see me. Even if she goes right back to playing, Sylvia always shouts, "DADDY!" and runs up to me first.
And Julius now acts happy to see me, too! The first time I see him in the evening, he looks confused and then breaks into a giant grin. Sometimes he'll even talk to me, in a way that's impossible to transcribe: "gah-unh" or "hauh!" I can't wait for the day when I'll come home and an entire motley band of children will swarm around me, happy to see me.

Alan's Birth Story

Writing the story below was as much an act of reconciliation as one of remembering.  I wrote it over weeks, but without any revision or review.  I haven't even read the whole thing yet, and it may be a while before I'm able to.  I simply tried to relive the experience on paper.  So, any inconsistencies or factual errors are indicative of my misinterpretation of events as they occurred.  

- - - 

 It occurred to me that I should check the clock; I might one day need to know what time of day these events happened. It was 2:48AM. If this happens, I thought, I will never be able to let 2:48 go by unmourned. At 2:48PM, I'm usually in my office doing paperwork or research. At 2:48AM, I'm usually newly asleep or trying to get to sleep. Both fairly private times--will that make it easier or harder to get through them?  

 I stood at a juncture in the hallway, and the scene seemed lifted from something by Sartre or Beckett. To my left and right were identical-looking hallways that were empty and quiet, so quiet that I felt we should keep our voices down. I felt like Heather, Beth and I were the only people in the hospital, and the doctors and nurses who whizzed in and out were simply immaterial.  
 About ten feet behind me was a set of double doors with a small window. Twenty or thirty feet past that, I could see Beth standing outside our first labor & delivery room. I wasn't sure if she positioned herself there to support me, so that I wouldn't feel disconnected from everyone, but seeing her yet being unable to communicate with her actually made me feel more isolated. Then I understood that she was watching me for any signs of what was going on in the operating room, and this actually made me feel like a useful link in the chain.
 And, of course, in front of me, through thick doors with tiny windows, the life-and-death drama was unfolding. This is why I say it reminded me of some absurdist play: the fates of my flesh and blood were being decided mere feet away, yet I could only glimpse a tiny, unexplained bit of what was going on.  
 I then experienced a disorienting, transcendant sensation that I will never forget: I felt that I was actually reliving the events of Julius' birth in my memory, from the future. I had the very real sense of walking down the deserted hallways of my memory, and peering in at the events of June 14th, 2008, through the small, foggy window that separates us from all such tremendous memories. For a moment, I was not sure whether this was happening or I was remembering it. Did I not know if Julius survived because it hadn't happened yet and I couldn't see in the window, or had what happened been so overwhelming that I couldn't fully glimpse it even in my memory?  
 I have been in many fraught, delirious, or otherwise memorable moments, and suddenly become aware of the memory being made. "I'll remember this day forever--just like this!" Of course, I don't always. But this was the first time I actually lost sight of the border between memory and experience.  

 This experience of "preremembering" was so shocking that even now I feel that I can't fully recall exactly what happened. Instead of replaying the events in my mind, I'm forced to look at a painting-within-a-painting. However, putting everything into another narrative form--this birth story--shows me that I actually remember quite well.  

- - -

 By the time we reached the hospital, Heather and I were both exhausted and exhilarated, full of adrenaline yet barely able to stand. But stand I did, for 20 minutes, mere feet from the triage nurse's window. I leaned and bounced against the wall, hummed tunes, felt time pass. There were dozens of people in the emergency room, and I found myself annoyed at the ones who were chatting on cell phones, playing with the wheelchairs, telling jokes. I know they didn't want to be there any more than I did, but everyone's definition of an emergency is different.  
 While I was waiting there, Heather was in the car waiting for me, first alone, then with Beth, who eventually found someone to park my car (she couldn't drive a manual transmission) and sent Heather and me to labor and delivery. Any more waiting and it would've been too late, as we later found out, and as Julius was already trying to tell his mother.  
 "Hey, have you registered?!"  
 "No! Look--we need help!"  
 After spending a few quiet nights in the maternity ward, I know what a surprise our troubled midnight entrance must have been. I was worried that some Nurse Ratched would send us back down to registration, but they took a look at Heather and sent us in right away.  
 Heather and I had a few moments together, before the room filled with nurses, before even Beth returned from the parking lot. It occurred to me then that this might be our last moment of relative peace together until after the birth. I also knew that Heather knew that something felt wrong, but I wondered if Heather was allowing herself to realize it.  
 I didn't have time to dwell on such thoughts, though. Heather got in the bed for some quick monitoring. At this point I still had hope that we could follow parts of our original plan, and the nurses encouraged us. After she was checked, hopefully we could begin using wireless EFM and we could enjoy the process the way we intended.  
 The wait for Dr. Golden seemed interminable. When she finally arrived, I felt relieved, and even though we hoped to avoid any unnecessary medical intervention, I felt safer having her there. I knew that she would not push us to do anything we didn't want to do or anything unnecessary.  
 When Dr. Golden checked Heather, she was still at 3-4 cm--barely any progress after hours of hard labor at home. Heather began to cry, and this discouraging fact, I worried, would slow the process down. Then Heather's water broke. This was obvious, immediate, and natural, unlike the tentative, Pitocin-induced breaking at our first birth. Heather quickly went to 6 cm. I feel that, even though we could not deliver naturally, we truly experienced natural labor. If Julius was not distressed, he probably would have had a smooth birth from this point, even with his hand behind his head.  
 
 Then came the frightening part. Heather's water, under her blankets and covering, was a murky, sludgy brown pool. I saw it, and the nurse on my side of the bed saw it, but Beth and the other nurses didn't see it all. This was when I began to felt that I should worry. But what would the use of worrying be? Visible worry would make it worse for everyone involved, so I concentrated all my energy on looking Sure, and looking at Heather confidently. Be a rock.  
 After Heather's water broke, Julius' heart rate began to fluctuate. During contractions, it would slow down to 50 or 60....pause for a moment....then leap breathlessly back to 160 in the space of a couple of heartbeats. After a few of these--each of which was more gut-wrenching than the one before--they called for some "terp" to stop the contractions. (I assume this was Terbutaline.) The contractions were very close by now, and Julius' heartrate during contractions was even lower, down to the 30s and 40s at times. These precious heartbeats boomed heavily on the monitor, but the spaces between them were even more thunderous. Everyone seemed to be holding their breath. Some nurses began chatting during these silent intervals, obviously to try to distract us. "You know, I have a grandson who..." Or maybe to distract themselves.  
 Heather was plainly terrified. Beth was also terrified, but less plainly. I tried to be a stoic hub between the three of us. Maybe, I thought, Beth will see me looking confident, and communicate more of that confidence to Heather, who will look back to me for verification, and this will reinforce my own strength. In other words, I felt useless.  

 At this point, I knew what was going to happen. We did everything we could to control every aspect of this pregnancy, altering our diets, choosing carefully which tests to accept and which to decline, writing a comprehensive birth plan, and creating a special labor environment at home. And, under other circumstances, our birth would have worked. But, here, it was comical how out-of-control we were. I knew that a Cesarean was the right choice. I knew that intervention was necessary. After months of steeling ourselves for a battle to preserve our right to choose, we ending up choosing this. And it was the right choice.  
 I tried to communicate this to Heather with my eyes. She also knew what we had to do. Dr. Golden knew, too, but she let us come to terms with it and make the decision.

 We were now waiting for the emergency team to arrive. I ran down to the car to get our camera. After going to the car, I ran back up to the room to get my car keys. Then I ran back down to the car. When I returned, Heather was gone and the room was quiet. This was my only real moment of disappointment during our experience, and the feeling was intense. I felt, irrationally, somehow abandoned.  
 Beth and I chatted nervously. I have no idea what I said during this time. I paced, sweated, pulled my hair, even though Heather warned me not to pull it out and look like a clown when the child was born. Beth brought me a Coke. A nurse finally brought me some scrubs, borrowed and too big. I sweated, paced, and chatted more. I have no idea what Beth was feeling at this time, because I was in "my own little world." Although, actually, I wasn't even there. I felt like I was hiding, outside of time, away from the event--shades of my wait in the emergency room.  
 Then, a nurse entered the room. It must have been about 2:45. "Come on, Philip. This way."  

- - -

 2:48. After I had waited a while, a nurse explained that I couldn't come in. I can't remember what reason she gave, but I understood. The operating room sounded like a busy cafeteria kitcehn. I saw them take Julius and put him on a small table, where he was immediately surrounded by doctors and nurses who gave him shots, slapped him, and suctioned him. This went on for quite a while. I could hear Heather gagging and retching, and I figured that they must be putting her to sleep.  
 During this time nurses ran in and out of the hallways. Since none of them looked at me or spoke to me, I assumed Julius was not yet alive. I kept watching the faces of those tending to Julius. I felt sick to my stomach every time I saw someone frown or shake her head. Every time someone laughed (which was only once or twice), I thought, "he must be doing better--surely they wouldn't laugh if a baby was dying in there!" Eventually someone stepped out, briefly, and me that it was a boy. I had a son!  
 Finally, a doctor stepped aside for a moment, and I saw one tiny arm wave feebly in the air for a moment. My son! "My sweetheart!" I said aloud, quietly, and I started crying. I wondered if I should come up with another pet name for him, if sweetheart was too effeminate. Then I realized that this was the first moment, in the whole hospital experience, that I was actually thinking about our future with him.  
 The body attached to his tiny, waving arm, though, was still not moving, and the air was noticeably absent of any cries, recalling the heavy silence between his slow heartbeats in utero. The doctors kept slapping him, and finally he cried, weakly. A few minutes later, the pediatrician spoke with me about his condition. This was when the staff first began to talk about the seriousness of Julius' situation. At first, before the surgery, we were constantly told, "this is totally normal." Now, we were told, "this is serious, but we'll be okay." By the time we left the hospital, they admitted, "I've never seen such a lucky child." Even some of the night shift nurses later admitted how worried they had been.  
 The pediatrician told me that Julius would have to be transported. He had no idea how long, and had no idea how much Julius' birth trauma had affected his brain or respiratory system. He explained meconium aspiration to me, and explained that the thickness and quantity of Julius' inhaled meconium was a cause for concern. He did not tell me that this often leads to cerebral palsy. He simply assured me that the baby was living, and would live. He told me he would come talk to Heather later, too. 

 Once I was back in the room, I met Beth again, but I wasn't sure what to tell her. We were both exhausted, and even now I don't remember what we talked about. I did ask her about my dilemma: should I wait for the doctor to explain to Heather? Or should I explain what I heard to Heather before the doctor came? As it turned out, I didn't have to decide; the pediatrician arrived just after Heather got settled in the room.  
 He went into a longer explanation of meconium aspiration syndrome. Heather kept asking questions, trying to get to the point. I realized that she didn't even know if we had a boy or a girl, or if he was alive!  
 "Oh yes! He's going to be fine!" said the pediatrician. The idea that we might have to commute to Florence for a week was much easier to take, compared to the idea that our child may not survive.  
 When McLeod's emergency transport team arrived, around 5:30AM, they wheeled Julius in so we could meet him. He was in a tiny transparent box, with a variety of tubes and wires running in, around, and out of him, like a bionic baby. His head, which had an oxygen-tent sheet over it, was turned toward us, and he looked so healthy and calm! And so big! I began to wonder if they even had to take him. Surely he'd be all right with a little bit of nursing and holding. But at this point, permanent brain damage had not been ruled out, and he had not recovered from his birth trauma.  

 It was just a little over twelve hours later that we saw Julius again, but those twelve hours were anxious, interminable, and excruciating. The emergency team returned Julius to us late the next afternoon, thanks to some bargaining by Dr. Golden. Heather demanded to nurse the child as soon as possible, which would greatly benefit his respiratory recovery. She was already pumping, and I was going to take an afternoon trip to Florence to deliver the milk. Dr. Golden, though, saw how important nursing and contact was to Heather and, for her emotional good and Julius' good, offered to give us a quick discharge so we could visit Julius. This was incredibly generous considering that Heather was in major surgery just hours before, but Dr. Golden may also have been bluffing to get Julius released from the NICU sooner..  
 McLeod called to update us around 7:00AM. Julius was already off oxygen and was improving immensely! We told them of our plans to deliver milk and nurse ASAP. This must have alarmed some lawyers and doctors at McLeod, because they called in the afternoon advising us not to come yet. Naturally, they didn't want a recent surgery patient from another hospital collapsing on their floor and requiring emergency care.  
 "He said he was very uncomfortable about Heather traveling so soon after surgery," we told Dr. Golden.
 "Well, he's a pediatrician and I'm your OB, so I think I know what's best!" Dr. Golden was wonderful.
 Finally, McLeod broke their own rules to avoid any liability for Heather. Any emergency transport patient has to stay for at least 24 hours for evaluation (and insurance purposes, I'm guessing), and even longer for shift changes and red tape. We got Julius back in 12 hours, which was another minor miracle, considering the way hospitals and insurance work.

 We finally had our son! He didn't seem sick at all, and nursing was natural and easy. This was a major concern, after he had been fed bottles and IV fluids since birth, but there were absolutely no nursing problems. A couple of the more difficult night nurses forced us to leave him in the nursery for a few hours, but I was allowed to accompany him for his tests and evaluations. We wanted to stay with him at all times to strengthen the emotional and physical bond that was tested and stretched during his first 14 hours. It's a strange feeling, to be 70 miles from your newborn. I could feel the geographical separation within me, like Julius and I were both straining to look around the room but couldn't find each other.
 And then came our overlong hospital stay. Most of the nurses were great. A few were controlling, condescending, and argumentative, and these few made me dread the shift changes each day. But the other nurses surprised us with their helpfulness and compassion. Sylvia and the grandparents visited several times. Sylvia immediately took to being a great big sister, instinctively cooing over Julius while she held him in the hospital chair. The Motyls (and Grandma, Grandpa, Nana, and Papa) were generous with food, clothes, gifts and company. Heather and I watched a lot of Food Network, I started reading Kafka on the Shore, we ate a lot of food from the nurse fridge. And then we went home.

- - -

 About a week before Julius was born, Heather had a vivid nightmare. In the dream, Julius was born healthy, but hospital employees took him away from us. When they brought him back, they had accidentally severed his head. When Julius came to us in his tiny emergency box, with his head under the oxygen tent, we knew Heather's dream had come true, in the roundabout way that dreams come true. But when we were finally released from the hospital, we knew that our dream of a new child to love and raise had come true too.  

just 6 weeks

about the photo: i love the way his tiny hands curl, hanging onto one another. even from birth his hands have been open as opposed to tightly shut in a fist like most newborns. during our nap today he held onto my breast with both arms as he slept and when i finally awoke and rolled away from him his arms flopped on top of one another, closing one on top of the other to fill the gap.

julius aka mister man, aka jules aka little buddy, is starting to laugh and smile at us on a regular basis. he's even doing quite a bit of talking and cooing, especially to his grandma.
his sleep pattern, however, is starting to change and i suspect he is having a growth spurt. he really spoiled us for awhile there by sleeping a whopping 5 hours at night. now it's down to about 3 but that might change in a week or two(haha.)
of course he's co-sleeping so it makes those late night/early morning feedings much easier.

birth story

i went into labor at 2:00 am on thursday, june 12th. now, i had been having contractions and false labor for several weeks but a little before 2:00 on that thursday i found myself needing to getting into water to deal with the contractions i was feeling.
friday afternoon i got a little worried because i'm a paranoid kind of person so i went and got checked by my doctor. she agreed that everything was looking great so i headed home to continue laboring in a comfortable environment. i also spent about an hour walking around the mall to keep things going.

at around 8:00 pm that night things started to really pick up and by 10:00 pm i called my doula for additional support. alan was doing an amazing job but the pain was getting stonger and i needed him to focus 100% on me and not the time of my contractions or anything like that. we also called my in-laws and had them take sylvia. i was in the tub when alan called them and sylvia got in with me for a few minutes. i found myself totally unable to communicate with her. it was bittersweet and i sobbed quite a bit. i wanted her to be there for as long as possible and looking back, i think she was.

by midnight, the pain was very strong and there wasn't a single position i got in that lessened the pain i was feeling. i started to get very tired and could barely hold my eyes open. my contractions started to run into one another and i found it increasingly difficult to walk or focus on anything except for the pain in my pelvic bone and lower back. alan was able to place his hands on my back or hips and feel each contraction through me, it was amazing. part of me felt as if something was going wrong or that something was the matter with julius because, well, it was just a feeling and i'm not sure i could accurately describe it.
i could feel myself wanting to push and that's when i decided to go to the hospital.
the car ride was awful. at one point i yelled at alan that i could not have another contraction in that car and, i didn't know this at the time, but when i told him that he started driving 100 mph. he also noticed that i was breathing like i was pushing, something beth(my doula) had warned him about so he coached me through focusing my energy on something other then pushing. he was my savior during tha car ride.

we arrived at the hospital and beth waited with me while alan checked us in. unforunately it was taking a very long time and beth could sense that i was feeling the urge to push so she helped me inside and told alan to take me up to labor and delivery. i could barely walk and inside the elevator i kept feeling my legs trying to buckle. alan held me up.

we were met by two nurses who immediately took me into a room. i went to the bathroom to give them a urine sample and found very dark and thick discharge in the toilet as well as in my sample and underwear. one nurse immediately checked me and i was 4 cms. her hand was coated with discharge and then my water broke which also had a lot of discharge in it--meconium. shortly after i starting contrating and that's when it was discovered that julius' heartrate was dropping well below 60 with each contraction and then immediately rising to the 160s and 170s post contraction. everything started moving very quickly.

my doctor arrived and checked me immediately and i was 6 cms. she also noticed that julius' arm was tucked firmly behind his head. she continued to monitor the heart rate. i was given a shot to help slow the contractions but it didn't help. i also wore an oxygen mask which didn't seem to help, either. when his heart rate began to go lower then 60 there was concern that he might not be able to take the stress of a vaginal delivery at this point. i didn't find this out until my first post pardum visit, 2 weeks after julius' birth, but my doctor also ran some tests to see how high the meconium level was in my discharge. my doctor was amazing and she made cesarean that last choice, i am thankful for that.
i was prepped for surgery and before my epidural took effect the heart rate dropped again, this time into the 30s. i was given shots to help numb the area in order to begin surgery immediately.
he was born at 2:55 am on june 14th and weighed 9lbs, 4oz.

they worked on him for several minutes inside of me, i could feel it. i started to panic after a few minutes passed and i didn't hear any cries. my arms were strapped down but i started to move them strongly and i was given a gas mask to breathe to help 'calm' me. i was also given morphine although i didn't find that out until i was with a nurse in a recovery room. nearly 20 minutes passed before they got him started. no one would tell me anything. his lungs were full of meconium. i never saw him nor did anyone tell me that he was a boy. i didn't find that out until i was out of recovery and back in my hospital room.
there i was met with a pediatrician who explained the situation to me. my baby had swallowed a large amount of meconium and was going to be transferred to a nearby hospital that was larger and more capable of treating his condition. that's when i found out he was a boy.
i was told it could be a matter of days or weeks before he would be able to come home with us but that they wouldn't know more until after the transfer. once the team arrived from the transfer hospital he would be placed in a portable incubator and then they would wheel him in to see me.
we told him hello and goodbye at 5:00 am and nearly 2 hours later we received the call saying that he was well enough to be taken off of oxygen and able to breathe on his own.

my doctor, knowing that i planned on breastfeeding, arranged for me to be discharged that afternoon so i could be with my baby and pump or feed him as soon as possible. his condition had improved and he would be able to come back to me the following day but i insisted on coming there to feed him anyway. because the hospital that housed him did not want to be liable for any injury i suffered while in their hospital they agreed to break the rules and let him be transferred back to the hospital where i was. his condition had improved so much that he could now be treated where i was and i was so relieved.
the pediatrician in charge of his care expressed his amazement at julius' turn around. never before had he seen a baby who was so lucky, he told me, not in his 25 years of medicine. he went on to say that his condition had been so severe and the amount of meconium he had swallowed was profuse; the doctor was surprised that he didn't start seizing.

when we took julius in for his follow up visit with our pediatrician, dr sangtian, he told us that if julius had remained inside of me much longer he would not have survivied. as strange as it sounds i found that information very reassuring. up until that point i had been walking around feeling like i let everyone down--alan, my doula, julius and myself. i had planned this natural birth and that is what i wanted for my child and for myself. i know now the importance of medical intervention, when used properly, it can save your child's life.

arrival

after a long wait(nearly 42 weeks,) our son julius emerson arrived. there were some complications and i plan on posting a full birth story in a day or two but for now i wanted to jump into this blog and add some photos of the new man in our lives and give you, the reader, a synopsis of the past 4 weeks.
first of all, i cannot even believe that it's been 4 weeks already! the newborn days have a tendancy to run together like that but having sylvia around makes them move along even faster. sylvia is adjusting quite well and she has grown into the best helper i could ask for. sure, we have our moments and fits of jealousy but for the most part things are moving along smoothly on that end.
julius is growing and growing fast. this weekened we had to pick up some new outfits for him because he was growing out of everything we had here. he's a big, healthy boy!
i think i speak for alan, also, when i say that we are constantly amazed by julius' strength. i don't know if he made it through that rough start he had because he is destined for greatness but i do know that he has blessed our lives with an abundance of faith and love and i cannot wait to see how he continues to grow and what kind of child and eventually the kind of man he will become.

First post

After what seemed like an eternity -- Heather was pregnant with Julius five weeks longer than with Sylvia -- Julius is finally here! He has brought joy to all of us, especially Sylvia, who loves to hold him and look at him.
Heather and I are still working on our birth stories, which take up most of our writing time, but every day Julius grows more alert and curious. He's a great sleeper, eater, and pooper, just like daddy.
We're so excited!